Tags: musings

Kenshin2, Me

New beginnings


I've finally decided to start an online journal. Well, I guess my old crappy web site hosted at my home was technically my first journal, but MAN was that a pain to keep up with. The sheer amount of work involved made it hard to stay motivated to post. I mean it's not like anyone even read it, but that's not really the point of a journal, ne? Anyway, I've decided to start this journal instead and use the oh-so-nifty client to keep up with things. I NEED this journal right now, and I want to keep up with it and use it to keep my thoughts in order. I've recently had two monumental changes in my life, one good and one bad. It's time to seriously rethink things and figure out where I'm going. I'm not so sure I know anymore.

First the good: I just bought a house two weeks ago. It's been a busy time moving and I still have a ton of things to do, but I am definitely happy with it. It's wonderful to have so much space, and to know that it's MINE. I could put my foot through a wall if I felt like it, and no one would care or demand to have it fixed. And every month when I write out a check to pay for housing, I know that it's going towards something. I will never rent again.

As far as the bad...well, that's a long story. To sum it up, I've spent over two years dancing around with someone I loved very much trying to get a relationship going. We had all sorts of external issues to deal with, and suddenly this year those issues were finally resolved and we were finally free to be together. Except that we didn't make it. I tried very hard...very hard. I loved this person more than I have ever loved before, and although it was sometimes frightening it was the most beautiful thing I had ever felt. But I found out recently that she had been lying to me about a few important things, and I suspect her feelings changed somewhere along the line and she just couldn't do the right thing and tell me. Instead she helped drag things out, leaving the ray of hope dangling in front of me. I kept giving her chance after chance, even as I realized that we were going nowhere. Finally, I gave her enough rope, and she hung herself. (Figuratively!) I caught her in some outright lies, and at last decided to sever that cord completely. :sigh:

On the one hand it's the single most earth shattering thing I've ever done. This person meant a great deal to me, and letting go of something I felt that right about is going to take time. On the other hand...it's been two very long years. Two long years of constant suffering, tears, and hoping in vain. Part of me is very glad that it's over, that I'm walking away. The only feeling I can't shake right now is the realization that I am a weird guy, and finding someone that I am going to fit with as well as I did with her is a long shot. I like so many things that usually contradict each other, and the search for even a near match will be...daunting. Perfect example: There was a girl I dated several years ago. When Christmas rolled around, she got me Star Wars Legos, which I really wanted. I was thrilled and immediately dumped them out on the floor and started putting them together. She sat on my bed and watched me, smiling because I was happy. But she didn't really understand, and there was a glimmer of condescension in her eyes. A sense of what almost felt like pity that I was amused with little toys like that. Has anyone else dealt with that? I mean, I know it's happened to other people...it's common for couples to have only a few things in common, but how do you decide what's important enough to make or break a relationship? If I spend my time looking for the 'perfect' girl I'll die a lonely old man, but don't I owe it to myself to be pretty picky about who I date? I want a normal relationship for once, something I've never really had in the past. I want to spend my time with someone doing what I always do and we BOTH enjoy it...not simply coming up with trivial things to do while we're together. Am I wrong? Is that to much to ask? So much to consider, so much to think about. And I know that I DO want another relationship, and that I am looking...even though I just ended one. Although it really wasn't a relationship. We never got as far as 'dating.' I've been single these past two years, single and hoping desperately that things would work out between myself and this person. There were a handful of nights spent doing things together, but no phone calls, no constant contact. No nothing, really, except a string of e-mails and the occasional rushed and painful meeting during lunch breaks or during time spent on campus. (We both go to the same college.) So now that I've cut that thread, I know that I am single, looking, and not very optimistic on my chances.

I had a lot to say, I guess. And probably more later. For now I guess I'll get back to work on my late English paper. I'll get a picture up soon and complete my bio. I don't really expect anyone to stumble onto my journal out of the thousands that are on here, but hey...stranger things have happened.
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