December 16th, 2011



So, yeah. Interesting circumstances have brought me back out of the defensive shell in a fit of more or less self-righteous indignation. I'm not going to bore anyone with details - suffice to say there are large parts of this journal running all the way back to my first few entries that I could simply copy and paste and it would all be perfectly relevant. As I seem to have done many times over the years I am closing a door on the past, and this time it's being nailed shut. Long story short? I am single, and I think that's about all I'm going to say. Despite the truly shady way things have ended up, I hold no ill will toward anyone. Life is too short to fixate on things that no longer matter...or at least, that's what I tell myself. I think for anyone that bit is forever a work in progress. Still, in the end - we (as in people in general) go on. It's what we do. What we must do.

Short summary of the last 2-3 months:
1) I started some large-scale remodeling of the house. Parts of it had truly degenerated into a state I was actively ashamed of and it's an excellent way to stay busy, so I've started tearing various rooms apart. The breakfast room was the worst and therefore first on the list; in a matter of days I tore it down to bare walls and the subfloor. I scraped the tacky spackle from the ceiling (long live the 80s) and plastered it smooth, then experimented with various ways of smoothing the walls. I finally settled on a style of patching, and I am now in the process of finishing them off by hand. I've decided to knock the door frames completely out and finish all three openings into corners, although I haven't started that phase yet. I'm going to be purchasing about $2000 worth of laminate floating flooring this weekend (enough to cover both the breakfast room and the living room - the carpet was beyond salvageable), and once I have the walls patched and painted in the breakfast room I'll start laying it down. I'm going to turn that room into a library complete with extensive shelving and I'll probably end up sticking a recliner of some sort in there for comfortable reading/contemplation. Once that room is complete I'll begin performing the same tasks in the living room - although there will be a lot less patching needed on the walls and I think I'll skip scraping the spackle off because the ceiling is MUCH bigger in there. Still, I'll pull the carpet, paint the entire thing, lay down flooring and new trim, then call it a day for a while. I've already selected new furniture and a new television because I have decided to not just redo the room - I am going to pimp it out.

2) I got into the beta for the new Star Wars MMO. Unfortunately that turned me from "I'll probably give it a try at some point" into preordering and waiting on the edge of my seat for its release. I got into the early access period today so it's going to be a bit of a challenge to juggle that and the large amounts of remodeling necessary before the rooms can even be used again. Interestingly enough I've found the remodeling to be incredibly fun and rewarding, so it'll be more of a time conflict than one would initially suspect. In any event I'll get it all straightened out.

3) I reactivated my profile on OkCupid, mostly because it just seemed like something I should do. I'm not really investing any time in it though because I'm honestly not sure I want to bother with dating. That's not a depressed reaction - on the contrary I'm more confident of myself than ever. I know I'm attractive, I know that I am very charming when I apply myself, I know that if I set my sights on someone I can at least get a couple of dates - if not much more, and know I'm pretty good in the sack. The real question is whether or not I feel like fooling with the whole process or not anymore. I'm not interested in flings, I have always been a fiercely monogamous person and prefer long-lasting, meaningful relationships. To get there however one must invest a lot of time in the "getting to know you" phase and I have to pull large portions of my personality back to reveal slowly over time. I hold no illusions, my full and unfiltered personality can be a bit overpowering to most people. That turns dating into a long and sometimes arduous process, and I think about that prospect and I have to resist the urge to simply shrug tiredly and invest my time into more productive avenues. I'm certainly open to finding the right one, I'm just not sure I feel like running through the selection and investigation part of the whole process. Still, time will tell there as well.

There's also a general frustration with people in general, and that's something that definitely takes time to work around. I don't mean everyone - I've been spending more time than ever with friends, family, and even coworkers to a degree. It's humanity in a general sense that seems so frustrating at the moment.

Well this got a bit longer than I expected, and my meds are kicking in. I think I'll sign off for now, but as I have recently needed an outlet for describing my life I'll be updating fairly regularly for a while.
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    drained drained