Rane (rane500) wrote,
Rane
rane500

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Brain Aches

People have asked from time to time what my various disorders "feel" like. What it means to be bipolar or obsessive, or how I process input differently thanks to the sensory modulation disorder. Most of the time I can give an answer in approximate terms based on the specifics of the question, but there are times when the easiest metaphor involves other injuries. Take today, for example. Today I just feel "strange." It's not a positive feeling, but also not something horribly depressing. If you've ever had a limb twinge in the rain or cold, that's what this feels like - only it's my emotions, my responses to what people say. That uncomfortable feeling when you realize you can't just instinctively rely on your body part to work correctly, when an old injury flares up and you're limping slightly; that sort of thing. It puts me ever-so-slightly out of sync with the world, a mode that others rarely notice but can be one of the more overwhelming conditions to be in. It's also the kind of day where I instinctively seek out close contact with other people, because it's both distracting and provides a steady amount of immediately obvious positive feedback in my interactions with others. I matter. I'm not stupid. I haven't done something horrible. I'm not lame. I can be funny. I can make people smile. I can make others happy.

(On the flip side if I can't make that close contact then I'm likely to be a complete hermit for the rest of the day; online contact or telephone calls lack the amount of proper feedback to be comforting. It can even make things worse as the tendency is to start looking at every response in SOME sort of negative tone. They're taking forever to respond, are they made at me? That sort of thing.)

The mood - like that pain in your leg or side - always goes away, eventually. Good conversation, sleeping, or even a nice marathon gaming session can brush the whispers aside and let me shake it off. It will pass. Hell, I will probably feel better by the time I'm walking in the door at home tonight - a change of scenery usually helps. These twinges haven't even been all that common over the past few months, and things have been really good overall. It's worth jotting these things down, though. I need to get back in practice of doing this so that when something BIG hits, I can use this as a release valve.

-M
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